Let the Goat Sucking Superstitions Begin!

Yep. I made that title just to make you say "What the......" In honor of the impending new year, New Year supersitions are being hashed out at work. I am not REALLY a supersitiious person. But it is somewhat a tradition to eat black eyed peas for new years. Nothing in the world can make me eat cabbage (the greens). And we don't do laundry on new years. Supposedly, if you do laundry on new years day, you wash away your family. Last time Mom did laundry on new years, our favorite uncle up and died. Of course this cow I work with said it was BS and that he died because God said it was his time. Could be true. But you know me, I had to bite my tongue.

If you don't believe in NOT washing clothes, saying its an old stupid superstition, then how can you follow through with tradition by planning on cooking black eyed peas and cabbage to eat that day? Is possible to pick and chose which supersitions you want to believe in? It seems like there are those few standard beliefs for New Years. Since there are only ...... 4 that I know of. Is it possible or reasonable to only pick and chose which ones you want to believe in?

Of course this is starting to sound like a religious argument. Which I am not qualified to have with anyone lol. However I came this close to telling said co-worker cow that I don't believe in HER god and HER god didn't pick and choose when MY family died. I do, after all is said and done, claim to be a pagan.

From supersitions on to ....... mythological creatures (another supersition in it's own way I suppose). Recently, there has been a Chupacabra slaying in KY. I have never believed in the Chupacabra or Big Foot or the Loc Ness Monster. And just a little secret, I don't believe in dinosaurs. Yes, there has been some scientific evidence. And the older I get the more I just accept it. But the concept of dinosaurs and the world they inhabited is just too much for my little hamster brain. I'm sorry.

However, with this last recent sighting, well slaying, of a "chupacabra," I am beginning to wonder. It seems like all the sightings / killings have things in common. Large canine resembling mammal with no fur, gray skin, dead livestock, and dead. lol. All the cupacabra in the media have been killed by ranchers. In the latest sotry from KY, the Louisville Zoo was on hand to say that it was local species of an animal. Well, why doesn't the zoo tell us what KIND of animal. Take it back to the zoo. Do some tests. And say "Hey, it was boar. It was a wolf." But, no. Everytime a chupacabra is killed, an authority steps in and says that it is a local animal that has a disease like mange. But no one ever defines what kind of local animal. And I'm starting to wonder about the dried out, dessicated animal husks that are found around the chupacabra bodies. THAT is not natural and I would love to learn how ANYTHING could suck a cow dry of any and all bodily fluids withoth leaving a mark on the cow. Other than fang punctures lol.

All in all, I think my brain is starting to believe. No, it doesn't make a lot of sense. But until a doctor comes out and says that this body is a diseased hippo, I'm going to go with the chupacabra theory. If these sightings/killings keep popping up in different regions, and attributed to diseased, crazed animals, then we most certainly have a problem. There is some disease in this country that makes wild animals loose all their fur, contorts their skeletons, gives them fangs, and reaches carnivores to live off of the blood and water of livestock. So I guess I can add chupacabra to my list of weird things I DO believe in : along with aliens and ghosts.

Now, I'm not so sure that the chupacabra is evil or a demon - in fact I don't believe anyone 1 person or thing is completely evil or bad. It may in fact but an unknown species with very few specimens left. But if the ranchers kill them all we will never know. Of course, I still don't think Big Foot is real or Loc Ness. But what a good way to bring in the new year! With supersitions and mythical creatures.

Ask, And Ye Shall Receive

Oh, lord, my god. I brought this on myself. lol. Just for the record, I broke up with my boyfriend the week of Thanksgiving. Seems to be a pattern I'm getting into lol. I broke up with him because he had some problematic personal issues. They were making him miserable, me miserable, and according to my mother, everyone else that had to put up with me miserable. Sorry, I do wear my heart on my sleeve. He made both of our lives unnecessarily difficult with his insecurity. I do still care about him but I'm still not sure that he and I can ever BE again. Now the break up was my idea. I did it. And he is not mad at me. Which is nice for a change. He does want to get back together. But to repeat myself, looking back, I don't know if we should be together again. Yet, for the first time, I left someone who I did not want to leave 100%, and I do still have some sort of care for them. 

So, since I left my last boyfriend, my mother decided that she was going to force me to bow to her will. We both know a guy, David, who we hang out with at the football games. He is somewhere between our ages so Mom thinks that he is the perfect age for me. Which, he may be. I do prefer older men. However, perhaps because my mother is forcing me to see this guy, or perhaps I just can't feel for him, I am not so gung-ho about it. He is not the type of guy I have ever been attracted to or dated. Yet I am willing and have tried to put that aside because ... let's just say that what I have been doing, hasn't been working. But, as nice and sweet and Christian as this guys is ...... it ain't werkin lol. I'm not trying to blow my own whistle, trust me, but he is a bit obsessive. The first time he and I hung out together (with supervision mind you), he called me for 2 weeks - every day - and asked to see me that day. He texts me everyday and tells me how much he thinks about me. He texts my mom and they talk about me and he tells her how much he likes me. Which, it might sound cute, but it's not. It's too much. It's oppressive and smothering. And slightly disturbing. So, I tolerate him when I have to because my mother told me I have to be nice to him since he is her friend too. 

So, I have been enjoying my freedom. Sadly it does seem like freedom because there is not always someone hovering on the phone or someone I had to talk to when I wasn't in the mood. Which is quite often. Oh but the physical loneliness set in soon. So lately I have been daydreaming about meeting the semi-perfect man who has the body of a gladiator and be smart like McGhee and be mind blowing in bed. See, I don't want much lol. There is a guy who I have had a crush on for quite some time, but I never fantasize about men I know. lol. Moving on .....

Tonight, I received a text from a number I didn't know. I don't usually respond well to wrong numbers or people texting me from numbers I don't know. Turns out, it's one of my exes. From about 2 years ago. IF I can call him an ex. Because for him, he never really considered us a "couple." I didn't realize that at first, although I am pretty sure he wasn't seeing anyone else either nor sleeping with anyone else nor talking to anyone else - about anything, at all. He said that he wasn't ready for that. However, tonight he told me that he loved me, missed me, and wanted to be with me for real, no half ass bullshit. Interesting. Then he sortta popped my balloon when he told me he was out about town and wanted to come over. However, he didn't throw a fit when he I told him no, but maybe this weekend. Even though he offered to let me stay the night. Perhaps he really hasn't changed ..............

But I just thought it was hilarious. I have guys throwing themselves at me, for gods know what reason, and I'm not sure that I want any of them. Isn't that just what I get? Perhaps I should have been more specific. But, what do you guys think? Should I give any of them the time of day or none of them. I'm almost afraid of the answers.

I'm Spoiled

I can hear the sarcastic intakes of breath from all my many fans. But seriously, it has become an issue with me. My being spoiled, that is. Not sarcasm. It is, after all, my preferred method of communicating. So, in order to root out the spoiledness (no, that is not a word. Well, it's my word) within myself, I must look at myself and see in which ways I behave rottenly and then what I can do to correct them.

I think the roots of my being spoiled are fairly obvious to myself but really no one knows me so I had better explain. First, I am an only child and I am all the things people think of when they envision only children. I am very mature for my age - it comes from hanging out with my mom and her friends. I am also childish in some ways because I was always so sheltered and never had to fight or strive hard for anything (attention). So sometimes I don't always know that how I behave in public is wrong because I am not used to functioning in large groups.

My mother is my best friend. I have no idea if that is possible with people who have to share their mothers with their siblings or not. My mother is the middle child in her generation. But because I am the only child, I never have to fight for or share attention from either of my parents. I am definitely a momma's girl. Which I am pretty sure comes from the fact that my mother and I lived with my grandmother for most of my young, impressionable years. She married my dad (step-dad technically), when I was 7 but by then I feel like my bond had been made. However, my family keeps to ourselves but we have a strong bond. For various reasons, we don't see much of our extended families. And I feel like, especially lately, we have developed this sort of ..... nest thing. I wish I could describe it.

Perhaps I can. If you are familiar with True Blood you may be familiar with this explanation. In True Blood, in the first season, there was a nest of vampires that lived together. Since they spent all their time together, they fed off each other's energy, and attitudes. Because they only had each other to talk to, they became more like each other, more ruthless and inhumane and lost all sense of the humanity that may have once had.

I feel like my family and I are. We always agree with one another and we always support each other's ideas and even prejudices. This does nothing to help me loose some of my selfish ways. It just feeds into it. My parents are in their way, enabling this attitude and behavior. And I turn enable theirs. Although neither of my parents can be accused of being lazy or selfish.

I guess I should take that into consideration and perhaps try to ..... I dunno. Should I socialize more. It would be forced for a while, but maybe I could get used to it. I love texting and being on facebook and even reading everyone's blogs. But phone calls and hanging out just taxes my social skills and patience. I would much rather be reading or staring at a computer screen.

I also have a problem with food. If you want to find out just how spoiled I am, give me free reign on dinner. I am a picky eater and I never want anything simple. I love heavy, rich, carbohydrate infused foods. Yep - PASTA! Most people might just say that I am a picky eater. But I feel like it's more than that. Even though here lately I have found eating to be more a chore that I would rather not do. If I could always have my way, I would eat like a Roman Senator every meal. And I do not like my food to touch. Although that may just be a quirk. My aunt is the same way.

So, should I change my eating habits? Well, I'm pretty sure that I should given I'm pushing 300 lbs. I know I need to buckle down and get serious and shed another 50 or so pounds but I cant just cant move my ass right now. After Christmas. That's what, only a couple of weeks from now anyway. But should I change how I look at food. Yes, I'm sure. But do you know how hard it is to completely revamp your diet in a house with 2 other fat people are not going to appreciate the change in routine.

I dunno. After writing this out, these things seem, pretty trivial. Maybe they are. Maybe it's just my crazy brain looking for scape goats and excuses.

untitled for now

do my hands know how to do anything
other than weave
this armor, a shield around my heart?
my hands,
they have been taught nothing else,
only to weave this steel.
even if it is no longer necessary,
the pattern must go on.
i cannot stop.
i do not know how.
and i shall die in here.


written 4-20-10

The Forge - New Poem

His tempered 220

Cut through me like 440. 

Slicing through my body and soul

Destroying everything I had built myself from. 

A rubbish heap, 

I lay broken. 

Rusting away, rotting in the elements. 

Until I was delicately fathered up

And placed back in the fire 

To be molded and hammered - 

Restored to my old glory

By my very own blacksmith.

Poetry - New Poem

It calls me, 

A long lost friend. 

"How about coffee or drinks?

Perhaps the ambiance

Will inspire you

To love me again?"

It's cries haunt me, 

As I shuffle it to

The bottom of my 

To Do List, 

Avoiding my obligations

Afraid that 

I am no longer good enough.

Written 6-22-09

It Eats At Me

Never beginning. 

Never ending. 

The cycle goes on. 

I simply bury it 

In the attic of my thoughts. 

Termites to destroy my house.

Written 7-22-10

Binary - New Poem

Zeroes and ones. 

Ones and zeros and ones again. 

Love speaks in binary code.

Nothing easy. 

Nothing simple. 

The only part of the binary code

I can read is 

The beginning and the end. 

Written 7-22-10

An Escape

I think everyone has an escape. Something they do that helps them to relax and get away from the stress of life. I think these things say a lot about a persons character or personality. Well, judging from my own, that is the conclusion that I draw. Myself, personally, I have a few different ways of escaping. 

There is football. I have been a Memphis Tigers football season ticket holder for 5 years now, and went to all the games while I attended the U of Memphis. For 4 hours on a Saturday, I get to completely forget that there is a world or problems going on outside the football stadium. The only thing that matters then is the band blowing out my right ear drum, and getting a first down. I know, the Tigers football teams SUCKS. Well, I'm a loyal fan. Either stay on or get off the damned bandwagon. We don't need any fair weather fans lol. 

Ironically, Face Book is some what of an escape for me. While the whole point, I think, is to connect people, I feel like spending time on FB is an escape. I can read what other people have to say, and see what kind of crazy shit they post. But that way, I am not dealing with my own life or my own issues. I get to pretend they don't exist and just jump into other people's lives. And boy am I nosy lol. Of course the games on FB contribute to my escapism. Nothing like farming or running a restaurant or clearing out the woods to get your mind off your daily issues.

However, my favorite form of leaving myself behind is reading. I have always loved to read. I have always been an avid reader. Just seems like here lately my reading has gotten a bit excessive. Almost, as if I am addicted to it. Which is not entirely out of the question. I have a very addictive personality and there are plenty of addicts of all kinds in my family.  I go almost no where without a book. I read just about any time I dont feel like I need to be doing anything else. I go to the library and come back with an average of 10 books a trip. To make matters worse, my parents got me a Kindle for my birthday. 

I read a lot of fantasy novels, some sci-fi, and some mystery/detective books.A lot of historical fiction. Seems to be my genre of choice at the moment. And sometimes I feel like my books are more real than well, real life. The books I have been reading lately all occur in the BC period of Ireland/England. The books often feel real, or right. As if the way things are in the book (the time period, the way of life) are the way things are supposed to be - for me. Perhaps I am remembering a past life. Maybe I should have been born in another era. 

Perhaps I should force myself out of my little fantasy world and join society again. Force myself to socialize instead of diving into a book to go somewhere else. And it's not as if my life is all that bad. I'm not sure what drives me to find all these escapes. I know I have my own issues, but each of us does. The more I run off into my books and games, the more I wonder if I am not sinking into depression. It wouldn't be the first time, and if that is the case it's time to up the drugs again. However, my withdrawing into my own little worlds doesnt hurt, nor does it feel like depression. I guess I will wait for my mother to tell me which it is. lmao. Because when she gets her finger on it, she will be all too happy to tell me about myself. Gotta love her!

Gaia

The burden of the world

Weighs heavy on my soul;

As Merapi blows ash

All over the oil flooded streets

     of Jackson Square.

The sound of dogs fighting

Is louder than the gun shots. 

But nothing drowns out the screams

Of the massacre of the city.

   

11-2-10

I wrote this poem that same Tuesday that I was feeling so down. I guess I was feeling the weight of all the world's issues that morning. Sometimes I do let big events like erupting volcanoes, hurricanes, and dog fighting bother me. More than it should probably, given that at this point in time in my life, I am not in a position to do a damned thing about any of these things.

~ Bewitched Emm ~

Depression

Cycles. Cycles. 

All vicious cycles. 

Circling down. Down. 

Like a flushing toilet. 

Shit that needs to go away.

Bad idea. Bad decision. 

The horror movie of my thoughts, 

A free midnight showing. 

Drowning in my own misery.

I'm sorry that it's all my fault.

11-2-10

I have been having a bout of depression. Im sure I'm not alone lol but it is something that I struggle with. I'm beginning to think that my Prozac is no longer working. I'm not sure if anyone else ever has moments or days like this, but I have had a couple of days recently where the only thing I could think about was all the bad things I had done. All the bad choices, mistakes. Mainly it's things that I regret or feel guilty over. And I have a huge problem with forgiving myself for things I do / don't do. Tuesday was one of those days.

If you're a writer and want to offer some constructive criticism that's fine. It has been a long time since I've written and I'm sure I'm rusty. However, this poem like many others no one will ever see, it simply an outlet for my emotions. Therefore, I will tend to care less about structure and form so long as I get my point across.

Regardless, thank you for reading and giving me a chance to share. For once lol.

~ Bewitched Emm ~