Sex Map

Find out where I've journeyed on the Map of Human Sexuality! Or get your own here!

My Future Is Yours

I have recently been contemplating going back to school. I'm not sure what prompted that feeling. I've been out of school for about 5 years now. And while I was in school, I just bounced around not knowing which direction I wanted to go lol. Recently, I mentioned to Kara that I was interested in dog psychology - yes, there is such a thing. I've always been good with animals of most kinds (especially dogs though), and it sounded ground breaking. Eh, it's not.

I did some research. Apparently, dog psychology is just a glorified dog trainer, like the lady Victoria on the Animal Planet's Its me or the Dog. Unless you are like Victoria, and have your own TV show, or work for royalty, being a dog trainer/psychologist is like working for peanuts. And I do that now, without all the homework. And I also read where it can be emotionally rewarding but there are often times where it is quite the opposite. Some dog trainers have had to make their clients part ways with their dogs, or even encourage them to be put down due to serious behavioral problems. I'm not sure I could do that. I can't even go into an animal shelter. Also, it seems the idea originated in England (suuurpriiisse lol). So that is where most of the programs are. There are also some in California where Ceasar the Dog Whisperer opened a dog psychology center. But other than that, there's not many places to study dog psychology except on your own. Read books and volunteer to train dogs locally. Well, I might actually read some of the books. I can do that. I'd probably learn it quite well.

I knew that dog psychology was likely going to be a long shot. So I went to the U of M's website. Checked out all their bachelor programs they offered strictly online. I say strictly online because I can't afford to quit my job to go to classes.

Tonight during dinner, I told my mom what I had been thinking. She immediately suggested that I go to a technical school like Concorde and get a degree in 8 months! No, Mom. No. She also suggested that I go to nursing school at Baptist or Methodist because they will pay for your education if you sign a contract to work for them. Which sounds okay, but nursing is what she wanted to do. Somehow it's not for me.

But then, guys, she had a good idea. In fact, I liked it quite a bit and got really excited all of a sudden. And this is the idea that I text you about. My mom suggested that the four of us open a coffee shop.
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Yea, I let that sink for a minute. It sounds like a perfect idea. Yes, it sounds a little crazy and scary to me. But I also think it may something we should seriously consider. A 24 hour, open past midnight coffee shop. Location is the ideal thing I think. And I think the U of M area would be the place to try it - assuming there is real estate. We all have our own specialties and talents to contribute to the shop. It's a risk, a chance, a gamble, lol. But for some reason, right now, I feel like it is an acceptable one. It sounds horrid, and back breaking and pain staking and a long process. But every time I think about doing it, opening my own, OUR own coffee shop, I smile.

Goddess in Me

Well, last night was enlightening, and I had a great time lol. I went to a pool party last night. And after dark, the pool party got a little loose. First, the girls got topless. Then we all got naked. I was not at all bashful or ashamed to be naked in such a crowd. And I'm not talking just naked in the pool. I mean naked lounging in chairs, jumping off the diving board, and peeing in the grass (not me personally). And I was not the only fat girl there either. Being so ...... open with these people was absolutely thrilling. And it made me feel really good about myself. And it also made me pretty horny.

Admittedly, the 2 guys there weren't much to look at. However, they were there with their girlfriends so I wasn't shopping. And nothing about it was erotic really.

But being around all those other women, naked, really awakened something in me. Each of them was quite beautiful. And I felt beautiful amongst them. And most of the girls there were also bi. So we had  discussion about relationships, sex, etc. And I have found that I am seriously interested in being with another woman now.

Before, when I was younger, I said that I wanted to have sex with another woman. But it was always just a sexual fantasy. However, I am pretty interested now in getting to know another woman, intimately. Not really sure if it's a phase or not. I've always loved looking at women. But getting to be around these.....real, honest women, really touched me.

But I think I've finally found the Goddess in me. And I would love to find it in other women.

Egyptian Marriage

Well, as most of you know, I have been running around lately crying that Brigid had called me. And she did. However, I do not feel like I am ready to commit myself to a god. So I never made any formal declarations towards her. Nor did I feel obligated to. Brigid is an awesome goddess. And she obviously has something to teach me, as I'm sure many gods do. I have figured out that Brigid's message to me tied in pretty closely to what I was told at the divination event I went to last night. Brigid's three fold aspect was used to teach me and drive home the point that I need to work on myself some more, be patient, and build up my defenses and self-esteem. The lovely Brigid was easy to connect with. She made me visually realize this message, as I can be a little hard headed. I know that Aphrodite/Venus are typical love / beauty goddesses. But I might suggest that you spend some time on Brigid and see if she doesn't bring some peaceful, pure, light filled beauty into your heart. She encouraged me to do more thinking with my heart, instead of my head.

Last night, after the divination sessions, I tried a meditation instead of a full circle/worship. And I went on a journey. A very interesting, colorful, detailed journey. This was much different from most meditations or interactions with the gods. Instead of everything happening from my POV, through my eyes, this time I was watching things unfold from both first person POV and third person POV. And kinda at the same time. It was like looking down on a scene, and then having the first person POV laid on top of that. Seeing both at one time, shifting your focus from one to the other. Some of my dreams appear like this too. Most in fact. However the dreams that I have in first person POV tend to be stronger and/or more emotional (stream of consciousness, lol, but also food for thought too). Also, everyone in this journey (myself and the gods) were in their spiritual form. It was not necessarily physically accurate.

This journey began when I opened my mind and heart to the gods. I offered up a quick, simple prayer to Tehuti (Thoth). I realized while I was praying, that I too had acquired an ibis beak. With this beak, I turned to my right slightly and bowed to Horus - falcon headed man. As I bowed to Horus, I prayed and offered him worship. And rather involuntarily, not on purpose, had not been my plan - I promised myself to Heru FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. And called him "My Sun and Moon." Before I could even consider what I had just done, Isis flew down and carried me to a temple for a ceremony.

While carrying me to the temple, Brigid appeared. Isis and Brigid then began swirling around each other, in a contest. Isis told Brigid to go away, that Brigid was just a white version of herself and that it was Isis I truly loved. At this, Brigid drifted away. I don't feel like she was upset about losing the contest. I got the impression that it was just another day or that she would get another chance with someone else.

Isis then carried me down into a temple where I found myself dressed in a linen tunic (which I worried about how it clung to me - go figure!). She then introduced me to the entire Egyptian pantheon. Isis told the group that I belonged to Horus. Then a golden light (cheesy, I know lol) seemed to radiate from both myself and down on me from the sun. Isis led me down the stairs of the dais / platform we had been standing on, to mingle with the gods. Each of the gods spoke, and told me congratulations. None were very physical with me, such as hugging or touching - other than Isis. I walked over to Sekmet who had a black cat curled around her shoulders. Sekmet smiled at me (her fangs didn't even look menacing, just kinda exotic and beautiful) and then the black cat (Bast obviously) raised her head to nuzzle me under my neck. The feeling of something on my neck brought me back into my current reality. But for a little while after the journey, I could still feel where the cat had pressed her head into my neck and nuzzled.

And during all this ... ceremony, Heru is standing off to the left of the crowd, by himself, observing in a contented sort of way. I remember looking over at him, beaming. Throughout this whole journey, I remember feeling such peace, and happiness. I was glowing spiritually and emotionally. Yet, there was this voice in the back of my head sounding the alarm going : what have you just done?! lol.

Well, I had some sort of marriage / commitment ceremony with Heru. Received the blessing of Tehuti (having the ibis beak). I was claimed, lol. I haven't felt ready to dedicate myself to a god before because I haven't been truly, 100% on my path for long. I felt too immature to rush into something like that. Yet, it did happen. And I'm so happy now. It happened with the one god I have truly been in love with, Heru. My he always live in the north!

I am currently doing some research on Egyptian temples. I have a small hunch that the temple where the ceremony was held is an actual temple. It could be Kom Ombo but I'm not sure yet. The following three pics are taken from Kom Ombo. In the last one, the large steps up resemble the platform/dais I was standing on.

Three Tarots

Well, tonight I went to Desserts & Divination. It wasn't exactly what I had in mind, or was expecting, but I still enjoyed it. While I was there, I received 3 different readings from 3 different tarot decks. My first, was a lady named Nancy who gave out crystals to her customers. She did not use a traditional tarot deck. I don't even know what kind of deck it was. However, she was VERY good. I enjoyed listening to her and she showed me a lot. She made me cry too. Which wasn't really a bad thing, because according all of my readings, I have good, happy things coming my way. As soon as I deal with my own issues. I also got a reading from Cindy, the temple intuitive. She too hit most of the nails on the head. My love life my be screwed a little bit though, lol. My third reading was from a woman's deck of round cards. It was the least helpful in a way, but promising too. That reading sort of drove home some points for me.

I think each of these readings was good for me, and right on time in my life. I left the center feeling like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I feel cleansed. I so want to hold on to this feeling. I swear I feel the gods' light and love and warmth. I can see their light shining ahead of me, lighting my path.

Yet it all comes down to a certain thing. ME. I must work on me. I must learn to trust ME. I must learn to be ME. To find out who ME is. I know, it is a life long journey, and I am a late beginner. The good times are coming. Happiness and over flowing cups are coming to me, if I can be ME and live ME.

So, I put this in black in white, for all the universe to see. Gods, Brigid, Lord Heru, Tehuti, Bast, and Ixchel, please guide me and help to keep me on this path.

To Rid Yourself of Negative Energy (Candle Magick)

OK. For my lovlies who missed Temple last Saturday night, I am going to post the spell that Sonya and Brian came up with. It is a candle magick spell. You need one black candle, one brown candle, and one white candle. Sonya and Brian used 7 Day candles, I however have bought taper candles. I guess any candle would work. Perhaps I should ask that.....Anyways, you will also need salt. At the temple, we cast a circle before doing this spell. I would suggest also casting your own beforehand. This time at temple, Sonya called the Egyptian gods. Seems to be different every time I go, lol.

(Side note for Indigo: Sonya called Isis in the East. Osiris in the South. Neferet in the West. Horus in the North.)

1. Light the black candle. Stand, or sit, with your arms out held, and ask your god/dess to remove all the negative energy/attitude/thoughts from you. Once you feel an answer, bring your arms down and cup your hands together. Hold your hands cupped until you feel a ball of energy in your hands. When you are ready, you will take the energy in your hands and push it into the candle. Do it with force. Mean it. However, before you do this or while you are releasing this energy into the candle, say, "I command you negative energy to leave me." If you want, you can even name the negative energy when you release it into the candle, such as doubt or suspicion, etc. Place the black candle on your altar.

2. Light the brown candle. Focus on the brown candle. Chant "Transformation, transformation, this is what I will." Chant as long as you want, or until you feel like you have enough energy raised. Set the brown candle down next to the black candle. Now take the salt and draw an arrow in front of the candles. This is to show the energy which way to move. So draw an arrow moving away from the black candle, towards and past the brown candle and ending in front of the white candle.

3. Now, light the white candle. Focus on the white candle. Chant "I can change. I am changing. I can change. I am changing. I can change. I am changing, into what is best for me." Chant as long as you wan, or until you feel like enough energy has been raised, or you feel the change.

Do whatever else you want to do as far as ritual, worship, prayer. Close your circle.

OMGodess

I'm going to have to smoke this whole blunt so I can calm down. OMFGoddess. I asked. AND IT HAPPENED. I have been asking for a week for a god to claim me. I've called circles. I've offered prayers, bribes (lol). I've done research. And then.......... Brigid just about knocked my head off. Oh, yes indeed. And apparently I have much more research to do because she has been trying to get my attention, I just didn't recognize HER signs.

Horus, I still love you.

Hmmm......THEY Call

The Celts are calling me. And I'm okay with that. I still love Horus and Thoth and Hathor and Isis and Osiris (lol), but the Celts are definitely calling. May the research begin.


ANGUS OF THE BRUGH Also OENGUS OF THE BRUIG God of youth, son of the Dagda. In Ireland, Angus is the counterpart of Cupid. Angus' kisses turn into singing birds, and the music he plays irresistably draws all who hear.

ARIANRHOD "Silver Wheel," "High Fruitful Mother." One of the Three Virgins of Britain, her palace is Caer Arianrhod, the Celtic name for the Aurora Borealis.

BADB A goddess of war. One of a triad of war goddesses known collectively as the Morrigan. Bird shaped and crimson mouthed, Badb uses her magic to decide battles. Badb lusts after men and is often seen at fords washing the armor and weapons of men about to die in combat.

BRIGHID also BRIGIT. Goddess of healing and craftsmanship, especially metalwork. Also a patron of learning and poetry. In Wales she is Caridwen, who possesses the cauldron of knowledge and inspiration. The Celts so loved Brighid that they could not abandon her even when they became Christians, and so made Brighid a Christian saint.

CARIDWEN also HEN WEN; in Wales, BRIGHID "White Grain," "Old White One." Corn goddess. Mother of Taliesen, greatest and wisest of all the bards, and therefore a patron of poets. The "white goddess" of Robert Graves. Caridwen lives among the stars in the land of Caer Sidi. Caridwen is connected with wolves, and some claim her cult dates to the neolithic era.

CERNUNNOS Horned god of virility. Cernunnos wears the torc (neck-ring) and is ever in the company of a ram-headed serpent and a stag. Extremely popular among the Celts, the Druids encouraged the worship of Cernunnos, attempting to replace the plethora of local deities and spirits with a national religion. The Celts were so enamored of Cernunnos that his cult was a serious obstacle to the spread of Christianity.

DAGDA Earth and father god. Dagda possesses a bottomless cauldron of plenty and rules the seasons with the music of his harp. With his mighty club Dagda can slay nine men with a single blow, and with its small end he can bring them back to life. On the day of the New Year, Dagda mates with the raven goddess of the Morrigan who while making love straddles a river with one foot on each bank. A slightly comical figure.

DANU Mother goddess, an aspect of the Great Mother. Another of a triad of war goddesses known collectively as the Morrigan. Connected with the moon goddess Aine of Knockaine, who protects crops and cattle. Most importantly, the mother of the Tuatha de' Danann, the tribe of the gods.

DIAN CECHT A healer. At the second battle of Moytura, Dian Cecht murdered his own son whose skill in healing endangered his father's reputation. The Judgments of Dian Cecht, an ancient Irish legal tract, lays down the obligations to the ill and injured. An agressor must pay for curing anyone he has injured, and the severity of any wound, even the smallest, is measured in grains of corn.

DIS PATER Originally a god of death and the underworld, later the cheif god of the Gauls. The Gauls believed, as their Druids taught, that Dis Pater is the ancestor of all the Gauls.

DONN Irish counterpart to Dis Pater. Donn sends storms and wrecks ships, but he protects crops and cattle as well. Donn's descendents come to his island after death.

EPONA Horse goddess. Usually portrayed as riding a mare, sometimes with a foal. Roman legionaires, deeply impressed with Celtic horsemanship, took up the worship of Epona themselves and eventually imported her cult to Rome itself.

ESUS A god of the Gauls "whose shrines make men shudder," according to a Roman poet. Human sacrifices to Esus were hanged and run through with a sword. For unknown reasons, Esus is usually portrayed as a woodcutter.

GOVANNON The smith god. The weapons Govannon makes are unfailing in their aim and deadliness, the armor unfailing in its protection. Also a healer. Those who attend the feast of Govannon and drink of the god's sacred cup need no longer fear old age and infirmity.

LUG also LUGH, LLEU A sun god and a hero god, young, strong, radiant with hair of gold, master of all arts, skills and crafts. One day Lug arrived at the court of the Dagda and demanded to be admitted to the company of the gods. The gatekeeper asked him what he could do. For every skill or art Lug named, the gatekeeper replied that there was already one among the company who had mastered it. Lug at last pointed out that they had no one who had mastered them all, and so gained a place among the deities, eventually leading them to victory in the second battle of Moytura against the Formorian invaders. (The Formorians were a race of monsters who challenged the gods for supremacy in the first and second battles of Moytura.) The Romans identified Lug with Mercury. The most popular and widely worshipped of the Celtic gods, Lug's name in its various forms was taken by the cities of Lyons, Loudun, Laon, Leon, Lieden, Leignitz, Carlisle and Vienna.

MACHA "Crow." The third of the triad of war goddesses known as the Morrigan, Macha feeds on the heads of slain enemies. Macha often dominates her male lovers through cunning or simple brute strength.

MEDB "Drunk Woman." A goddess of war, not one of the Morrigan. Where the Morrigan use magic, Medb wields a weapon herself. The sight of Medb blinds enemies, and she runs faster than the fastest horse. A bawdy girl, Medb needs thirty men a day to satisfy her sexual appetite.

MORRIGAN, THE also MORRIGU MORRIGAN A war goddess, forerunner of the Arthurian Morgan La Fey. Like Odin, fickle and unfaithful, not to be trusted. A hag with a demonic laugh, the Morrigan appears as a grotesque apparition to men about to die in battle. Her name is also used for a triad of war goddesses, who are often thought of as different aspects of the Morrigan.

NEMAIN "Panic." A war goddess.

NUADHU also NUD, NODENS, LUD. "Nuadhu of the silver arm." God of healing and water; his name suggests "wealth-bringer" and "cloud-maker." At the first battle of Moytura, Nuadhu lost an arm, and Dian Cecht replaced it with a new one made out of silver. Because of this, Nuadhu was obliged to turn leadership of the Tuatha de' Dannan over to Lug. People came to be healed at Nuadhu's temple at Lydney, and small votive limbs made of silver have been found there.

OGMIOS also OGMA "Sun Face." A hero god like Hercules, a god of eloquence, language, genius. Generally portrayed as an old man dressed in a lion skin. From his tongue hang fine gold chains attached to the ears of his eager followers.

SUCELLUS Guardian of forests, patron of agriculture. His consort is Nantosvelta, whose name suggests brooks and streams. Sometimes considered synonomous with Cernunnos or Daghda.

TUATHA DE' DANANN The divine tribes and people descended from the goddess Danu. Skilled in druidry and magic, the Tuatha de' Danann possess four talismans of great power: the stone of Fal which shrieked under the true heir to the throne; the spear of Lug which made victory certain; the sword of Nuadhu which slays all enemies; and the ever full cauldron of Daghda from which no man ever goes away hungry.

My First Encounter with the Goddess

I had my first encounter with the Goddess Friday night / Saturday morning (5/13 or 5/14). I was at Sed's house. We had watched the basketball game and then fucked like rabbits. We were laying in the bed, sort of cuddling, sort of sleeping lol. He was snoring. I was definitely in the alpha state, but I doubt I had sunk any lower. I had been thinking that I wish Sed would come to look at me as a girlfriend / love me the way I know I could him. *Random tangent here - I truly think that Sed might be a soul mate and if not I'm almost positive that we have known each other in a past life.* After thinking that, I had the greatest feeling. It was euphoric, and warm, and fulfilling. And a woman told me that he did love me, he just didn't realize how much yet. But then I also "heard" that it would be too late once he realized it. I got the impression that I was looking at the Goddess in all of her 3 phases when she came to me. It was however the Maiden who spoke first, and the Crone who spoke last. She spoke to me as if we were confidants, or as if she was playfully chiding me. Even though the Crone told me that it would be too late, this information did not seem to upset me or change my feeling of euphoria. Even now, when I analyze it, it still does not. I think perhaps that I am just estatic that she visited me. But I feel like in my heart that this was a visit from the Lady. And perhaps it is not her first visit into my life, but it is the first time that I have recognized it.

My First Pagan Thought

I had my first pagan thought today. I was in the shower, where all good thoughts come to me, and I had an idea about reincarnation and time. What if, when I die in this lifetime, what if my next life is during a period that is in the past compared to this one? Or, perhaps when my next life comes, I will be in the distant future? Could my next life send me back to Assyria or Machu Pichu? And if I believe that all space and all time is right here, right now, why can't that be possible?

Can't or Won't Make This Decision

Yes, I am just trying not to worry about this. I figure time will sort things out soon enough. Hmmm......problem is, I don't know which one is a good choice. Basically, there is .... W and then there is E. Yea, those are the guys initials. Who would have thought? Me, almost 30 (as my mom likes to remind me lol), and I am going through high school BS about which guy I'm lusting after this week. Ok, so it's been going on for longer than a week lol,

 but still. Should I really be having these feelings? Perhaps that brand of birth control was controlling my hormones all month, not just the week of my cycle.

So, I have been tossing and turning things over in my mind for a little while now. I have decided that making a list is the best thing to do. A comparison. Why? I dunno. Because I already know the pros and cons for both. I already know which would be the correct choice. But I can't just let it go, and I don't know why (maybe lust).

W

• affectionate / thoughtful
• loyal / trustworthy 
• dependable 
• steady income 
• has car / will travel
• older
• physically almost perfect 
• not very creative
• does not keep up news / politics 
• is a yankee
• got mixed feelings from his family
• I do love him
• we have a history (recent history)
• as shallow as it sounds, he always brings me small gifts.
• we have almost nothing in common with
• we usually have a good time when together
• is an alcoholic (I think alcoholics will always be one, even if they never drink)
• has lots of mood swings, depression issues / refuses to see a doctor about it
• my family likes him
• we have talked about getting married and him moving in
• we often have arguments 
• we have said arguments a lot because we tend to misunderstand each other 
• we are not often together, however when we are he dominates my time and gets mad if I had previous plans and do not want to change them
• he is desperately in love with me and it would crush him if he didn't have me
• I really do care about him
• I have begun to wonder if my feelings haven't changed towards him because of some recent negative events 
• He makes me feel wonderful and awesome and always compliments me. He thinks I'm sexy and beautiful. 
• Our zodiac signs are actually compatible

E

• Sexual / freaky but I'm not sure he could be affectionate. 
• Is sarcastic
• Has a nice job
• Has car / will travel
• Older than me (not as old as W)
• I find him attractive 
• Very creative 
• Up to date on everything lol
• Also a yankee lol
• He doesn't spend a lot of his time with his family, not sure I would. Possible that they are more accepting but I have never met them
• No, I am not in love with him. I do care for him. I want him to feel better about himself and be a better person. I have never given myself the chance to get close enough to him to love him. But it's possible. 
• We have a history
• Generous and attentive when giving gifts
• We have a lot of things in common
• I always enjoy talking to him. I'm always interested in what he has to say because is .... current on most things. Even if it's texting, emails, or phone calls.
• Has vices (spending money) but I know he would never become addicted to a "drug" or loose control when buzzed. 
• Is generally a level person. Can be down on himself. I have not noticed such wide mood swings. 
• My family doesn't know him, but they encourage our friendship. Would likely be accepting or loving of him if given the chance. 
• Not sure what his views of marriage would be. Of course, I know that depends from person to person that you date. 
• We dont argue. I dont think. We have nothing to argue about. And even if he is being overly sarcastic, it doesnt really bother me. Because that's just how it is, and I dont take it person. Then again, there is a chance that my feelings would change if things got serious. 
• I would not likely see much of E either. However, I KNOW that if/when we were together that he would not mind me doing my own thing or paying attention to something other than him for a little while. 
• There is an obvious mutual attraction. However, it could just be lust. It could just be that we never have tried anything and have an itch to scratch. Who knows, perhaps once we try to do something about it, we will see the light and realize it was just .... puppy lust lol. 
• I do care for him. However, some of my concern and love for him is almost brotherly. I am not IN love with him. Yet. Dont know if I ever really could be.
• I am not sure if my feelings are changing towards him. Obviously, something is getting stronger, I'm just not sure which feeling it is lol. 
• I know he finds me attractive. However, I don't know if he really thinks I'm beautiful. Nor do I know if he has it in him to compliment me and some me in small ways how he feels. 
• Our zodiac signs are not compatible 

So, there it is. My list. Ideas, suggestions, advice. All helpful.Not that this could accurately describe either of these men. These are just some looming issues in my mind. Well, let me say this ..... Those are some of the looming issues I have had with W. Therefore, I am comparing THOSE issues with the way I imagine things would work out with E. There is always the chance that E and I would have other issues that would weigh negatively in E's favor compared with W. But how would I know unless I tried things with E.

But I will be honest. It also weighs heavy on my heart that W is very in love with me. And if I hurt him, I would hate myself. Because for all he is, he is a good guy and I'll be damned if I had something else negative to his life. But, if things got that serious between me and E, would it be right to keep talking to W just so I dont hurt him. Wouldn't I hurt him by doing that if I decided my heart truly lay elsewhere? AAAHHHH! Circles. Nasty, vicious, cyclical circles.

Fuck It

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of making everyone mad. I'm tired of fucking up everything I touch. I'm tired of always being wrong. I'm tired of everyone being mad at me. So fuck it. I'm done. No "friends". No dating. No social anything. I'm better off without it. Fuck it. It's over. Last entry.

Philosophy According to Bewitched

Humans have an inferiority complex. Since our inception, humans have strove to know everything and conquer everything. Yet the humans who believe that they own and control everything are the most useless creatures of all.

I am not declaring any particular religious belief as i write this. However, lets look at the Creation according to the Christians. It took God six days to create the Earth. The Bible quotes in Genesis that on third day, God created vegetation. On the fifth and sixth days God created sea creatures (note that he made these first - just food for thought) and land animals. It was not until late in the sixth day that God created "man." The Bible also says that God made man to rule over the earth, but I think the true meaning of that statement can be argued.
God obviously made things in a certain order. He created the earth; divided land, air, and ocean. He provided light and dark. In essence, he made all the things that were necessary in order for him to create animals. Ironically, the Bible states God made sea creatures first - there is a trend in believing that water is the source of all life; and oceans are thought to house many animals still unknown to humans.

But humans were made last. Perhaps we were even an after thought. God wanted a world that he designed and the animals were not enough entertainment. Perhaps God thought that by creating humans, he could essentially "throw a monkey wrench" in on the world.

And if you ask me, that's exactly what happened. Humans are not needed on this earth. The vegetation and animals could carry on just fine without us. In fact, humans are killing the earth. No, I wouldn't automatically accuse us humans as being the cause of all climatic problems, but we are killing it in many ways. Perhaps the planet is already dead and we are just now seeing the physical decay? After all, some things cannot live without respect.

So the earth can take care of itself without humans. So why are we here? Well, to be very blunt about it, no matter what your spiritual path, we are simply the plaything of the Gods. Even in Christianity humans are on the earth to worship God. We are here for their pleasure - just one big, complex ant farm.

Perhaps you've noticed that humans are different from other animals. We are plain. With most other animals, except for some insects, the animals are colorful - having beautiful coats or feathers. They are all decorated. Maybe the beauty of humans is in our delicacy, or our fine features such as the face. Because after all, humans may be more plain but we vary quite a bit, perhaps more than other species.

However, since humans were given the ability to rationalize and make decisions, they had to have had a purpose - something more than just for worshiping and providing amusement. And since we are plain compared to other animals, humans found knowledge and used it to stand out. The Bible says humans were not supposed to know everything but they went after it anyway - and found it in fruit. Other religions state other ways the Gods gave humans knowledge. Sometimes all at once, sometimes slowly. I think it is safe to say that whichever story you believe, humans have gained much more knowledge since then.

Let me insert that all knowledge is not necessarily good information to have. Nor is all knowledge to be shared; after all, other humans may not be ready for it.

But our knowledge is the only thing that humans can claim that is solely theirs. You would think that this would be enough for humans - just knowledge and our ability to rationalize. But humans are jealous and power hungry - which is excellent proof to me that we were created in the image of some God.

Therefore it was not enough just being able to know, we must know everything. We must not only "rule" the animals and plants, we must control them, kill them, change them, and even create new ones. Since we don't have the decorations like other animals, we must control them and take those things for ourselves.

Humans have an inferiority complex. We are the small man on campus. So we try to become bigger than life. Do we not all strive for more and more each day? Do we not spend more and more time and money on learning? Humans will waste their all on learning until we all gone, and get no where in the end.
And who's to say we have much time let to explore? Most people I know - no matter their religion - think that the world we live in now is coming to an end.

Perhaps humans will get too close to the truth, and the Gods will thwart out efforts. Perhaps the Gods feel we have done enough damage and its time to start over. Or perhaps they will sit back and watch us destroy ourselves. But its really too late. Humans can not possibly change fast enough - even if we cared or wanted to. Our "little man" syndrome is an epidemic - one I suffer from myself. My salvation comes from the fact that after all the destruction, there is purity and a chance to start anew.

Dear Kirk, I Sleep With My Teddy Bear

Well, I fell of the bandwagon today. I cried a lot. I cussed and damned near got out of my car at the gas pump to beat the old man in the car in front of me. It's been a long week. I'm tired emotionally and physically and hormonal. I keep trying to blame it on all that. Some excuse huh?

This week has been hard. I feel like I don't have time or the liberty to wallow in self pity like I would like to lol. I feel like I haven't had any privacy to cry and be my emotional self. Most of the time when something is really bothering me, I cry at work. I'm usually left alone and have some privacy. So I sit with a kleenex in my hand while I write. Nobody worries about me much and I work well by myself. Another perk to my job.

Today at work, Kirk text me and decided he would try to explain away New Year's Eve. As if he could lol. He told me that is an alcoholic and there have been times when he was woken up in allies and on the street. Obviously, or hopefully, this was all long before me. So I cried. It makes me so sad to know these things about him. I really did care for him. More than I should have obviously. And while I hate what he has done, I can't completely just rip him out of my heart. He was dug in deep.

But it kills me that he had to keep this secret from me. And it wasn't the first. And I think I may have seen some warning signs of this. Once before, he tried to quit smoking. Which was good for him. I honestly didn't care whether he smoked or not. It was his decision. I do my own thing, and I don't want anyone riding my ass about it. So, I didn't care that he smoked. But we had gone to the casinos for the weekend. And while we were there he picked up smoking again. No biggie. I can understand. But he kept it a secret. Apparently he kept sneaking off to the bathroom to smoke. Now, that really hurt my feelings. There was NO reason to sneak around about something like that. Not with me. Why hide it? And now, after the fact, I find out he has a drinking problem and cant be trusted around a bottle of liquor. Gee, I think that is something I would have needed to know before now!

Would it have made a difference? Maybe. I honestly am not sure at this point. And I say alcoholic as someone who used to have to liquor but doesn't drink now because of the way they get out of hand with it. It creates an addition all over again and really pushes the person over the edge. I know plenty about addictions. My whole family is a bunch of junkies. Alcoholism runs deep. As do addictions to drugs and mental illnesses. I struggle with my own addictions on a daily basis. If I had known, it is just possible that I would have made sure that he didn't drink. That way, this would have never happened.

Then again ..... I'm not sure that I could have prevented it at all. Perhaps it would have happened eventually. Maybe when it was too late. But it doesn't matter now. He made his decision. He kept his problem to himself. He got out of control. He says that it was like he blacked out. I wish I had.

Sadly, I just wish I could save him from himself. But I can't. I can't go back. I can't. And I feel like I'm so weak right now. As if I could consider talking to him some. Dammit, I do love him. Still. I hate him for that night. But I just want him to be better. I want him to be happy. To be healthy and whole. I know if I feel so lost he must too.

This is hard. Guys, this is really hard for me. I'm not big into religion. I don't trust anything man made but I believe in a Higher Power. Be it God or the Lord and the Lady. And never in my life have I prayed for a boyfriend until Kirk. I never really pray for myself anyways, if and when I do pray. Maybe in another life, Kirk and I would be together. Happily. Or maybe we have been (yes I believe in reincarnation). I just know its going to be a long and hard process to loose these feelings I have for him.

I know. I said that the only way that I see him is as the monster he turned into on New Year's Eve. And thats true. That's about the only picture that comes to my mind when I think of him. But I keep trying to make myself think that it wasnt really him. It was the alcohol. And I know that's wrong. I know I can't follow him around and babysit him. I know it cant be and it hurts that I know that. And it hurts to know that I am FULLY aware of the situation and I cant change it. I am a control freak lol.

I'm crying now. Consider it therapy. I hope that by shedding these tears that I can lighten my heart. But, guys, I'm a little scared. I wonder, what if Kirk was THE ONE. Or, at worst, the closest that I will ever get to Mr. Perfect. What if I don't ever find someone like that again? I guess I'm just down right now but I wonder if I will ever even be able to look for anyone again. Even though I pray for him. Even though I love him. I'm deeply hurt. I feel betrayed more than ever. I'm embarrassed again lol. I feel stupid. I feel like he made his choice when he acted out. And no matter what he texts me, I feel like I didn't matter to him. If I was so important to him, would he have done that to me? Does anyone know how scarred I still am from the past? How I cant forgive myself for putting myself and my family through just a bad time when I was being stupid and seeing someone who was truly evil - its a fairly decent word to use for him.

Perhaps my whole problem is that I need to learn how to let go. How to forgive myself. But I never have learned that. I carry all my guilt around, like a backpack. And not that I feel guilty about what happened New Year's Eve, it just took me back. To a bad place. I know time heals most of the worst wounds. I know I will be ok at some point in the future. But right now, I just need a hug. I wish I could trust him. I wish I wish I wish. I wish for no nightmares tonight about him. I wish it had never happened. Maybe I wish I had just let things go back at Thanksgiving. To be honest. I don't know. I cant really think straight or logically. At least right now. I wish he knew how I felt. How I hurt. How I hurt FOR him. How I want him to be healthy and happy. How I wish he had just been honest. I would have been his support. I used to be the one everyone depended on. Before I withdrew from society.

I know this has been a rough read. It's been rough on me writing it lol. This entry is entirely freehand. So I want to apologize now for typos or rambling. This was supposed to be entirely therapeutic. Not to mention that I have been crying while typing and the lines are a bit blurry to me. But thanks for reading and putting up with it.

Welcome to 2011. Elevator going DOWN

No, I don't per se think that whatever kind of day I have on January 1 will set the tone for the rest of the year. Superstitions or not. However, my new years sucked. And I will likely be in this funk for a little while now. No, not the whole damn year. Even if I did say my new year's resolution was to not date this year. I'm pretty sure I said that out of anger lol. And hurt. 

Wanna know how I rang in the new year? Well, it started off entirely too perfect. So I should have seen it coming. Kirk (the ex) and I went and had a nice steak dinner. We flirted at the restaurant. We had the whole night planned ahead of us. Hotel room. I brought candles, and incense, and lingerie. Oh, and the good bath & body works. He brought the cognac and champagne. We played dominoes and taught each other card games when we had played all the ones we both knew. We watched the ball drop in Times Square and Lil Wayne perform (heehee). We had a champagne toast at midnight. A really sexxy kiss. And we exchanged gifts also. Something he wanted to do.

And after that, things got shitty. I was lounging around in my lingerie. Red and black for the new year. He had been in the bathroom. When he came out, he made a snide remark about a certain part of my body. I was embarrassed and a little hurt. Although, I can be a little sensitive. However, when he went to wanting to touch and play with that part of my body, I told him not worry about it. He knew he had hurt my feelings and I felt like he was doing it just to appease me. I told him not to worry about it, why didnt he just let me take care of him. 

Maybe it was the liquor but he didn't take that too well. He pretty much lost what little brain he had. He got angry. He ended up trashing the room, punching holes in the door and wall. Broke everything I had given him. He also stashed all the party favors - as if I cared lol. He yelled. He called me names and said all sorts of stupid but hurtful things. I had to call my parents to come pick me up from the hotel. 

I know it could have been worse. I am safe. Nothing but a banged toe. He never really hurt me. He pushed back into the wall, but not hard. However, I have never been more scared than that night. And it has really thrown me for a loop. 

Once before I dated a guy for a year and a half when one day he lost his mind and hit me. He had been snooping through my journals and read something but didnt understand it and assumed more than the worst lol. Lemme say this. If you are going to snoop. At least be thorough with it. Go through everything. Don't pick one page out a random journal and read it and expect to know what I am talking about. Of course I dont really journal anymore so not a big deal lol. But we had a knock down, drag out fight that took us through my entire house. I ended up calling the cops and he stayed the night in jail. Just one mind you. And it never went on his record and all he had to do was take anger management classes. Lot of good it did him I hear. 

However, I was more scared of Kirk this past weekend than I ever was of the old ex. Not too mention mad as a wet hen that I was once again in this situation. I felt stupid because I didn't see it coming. I did not think that Kirk had that in him. I have spent a lot of time worrying and analyzing the last abusive relationship. I didn't want it to happen to me again. The scars from such a relationship are both short lived and immediate as well not so obvious but damned near permanent. So I felt like I should have seen some sign that he had anger problems or abusive tendencies. 

I think what hurts the most, is that the man was already pretty much a part of my family. We had been together almost a year - 11 months. When he was in Memphis, he stayed at my house. Ate with my family. I trusted him when I was asleep, in my house with my family. He spent Christmas with us. Ate with everyone who came over for Christmas dinner. My parents gave him presents and he bought them something. We were discussing getting married and having kids. I mean ...... the works. I thought he was awesome. 

So I just cant figure out he could turn around and act out like that. I suppose it is possible that the liquor influenced him to act that way. But I can't blame it just on the cognac. It didn't make me that way lol. <We bought Conjure. It was nasty. Don't recommend.> But the liquor would not have brought that out of him if it wasn't in him to begin with. Perhaps that is the reason that he had never been married nor had kids before. 

So, now I feel kinda empty. Lost. Stunned. Hurt. Betrayed. It's like .... he did something so stupid I know I cant go forward with him. Yet at the same time I'm mad at him for being so stupid and forcing me to make this decision which I would not have made under normal circumstances. But things were not normal. He turned into a monster. His whole face shifted around. He became someone else that night. And I know I hold grudges. But when I think back about him, the only way I can picture him is the way he looked that night. So I feel like I can't see him any other way. It's like the whole event has over ridden every other thing about him. And right now, I can't tell if that's deliberate or not. Maybe it's myself trying to protect myself so I force myself to remember only the bad - to get over it more quickly. Or if I'm just that hurt and feel like I can't let go so quickly. I cant decide. Or I cant separate the feelings. Maybe in time I will figure it out. But, dammit, he put me in a corner and I had a choice to make.