Fuck It

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of making everyone mad. I'm tired of fucking up everything I touch. I'm tired of always being wrong. I'm tired of everyone being mad at me. So fuck it. I'm done. No "friends". No dating. No social anything. I'm better off without it. Fuck it. It's over. Last entry.

Philosophy According to Bewitched

Humans have an inferiority complex. Since our inception, humans have strove to know everything and conquer everything. Yet the humans who believe that they own and control everything are the most useless creatures of all.

I am not declaring any particular religious belief as i write this. However, lets look at the Creation according to the Christians. It took God six days to create the Earth. The Bible quotes in Genesis that on third day, God created vegetation. On the fifth and sixth days God created sea creatures (note that he made these first - just food for thought) and land animals. It was not until late in the sixth day that God created "man." The Bible also says that God made man to rule over the earth, but I think the true meaning of that statement can be argued.
God obviously made things in a certain order. He created the earth; divided land, air, and ocean. He provided light and dark. In essence, he made all the things that were necessary in order for him to create animals. Ironically, the Bible states God made sea creatures first - there is a trend in believing that water is the source of all life; and oceans are thought to house many animals still unknown to humans.

But humans were made last. Perhaps we were even an after thought. God wanted a world that he designed and the animals were not enough entertainment. Perhaps God thought that by creating humans, he could essentially "throw a monkey wrench" in on the world.

And if you ask me, that's exactly what happened. Humans are not needed on this earth. The vegetation and animals could carry on just fine without us. In fact, humans are killing the earth. No, I wouldn't automatically accuse us humans as being the cause of all climatic problems, but we are killing it in many ways. Perhaps the planet is already dead and we are just now seeing the physical decay? After all, some things cannot live without respect.

So the earth can take care of itself without humans. So why are we here? Well, to be very blunt about it, no matter what your spiritual path, we are simply the plaything of the Gods. Even in Christianity humans are on the earth to worship God. We are here for their pleasure - just one big, complex ant farm.

Perhaps you've noticed that humans are different from other animals. We are plain. With most other animals, except for some insects, the animals are colorful - having beautiful coats or feathers. They are all decorated. Maybe the beauty of humans is in our delicacy, or our fine features such as the face. Because after all, humans may be more plain but we vary quite a bit, perhaps more than other species.

However, since humans were given the ability to rationalize and make decisions, they had to have had a purpose - something more than just for worshiping and providing amusement. And since we are plain compared to other animals, humans found knowledge and used it to stand out. The Bible says humans were not supposed to know everything but they went after it anyway - and found it in fruit. Other religions state other ways the Gods gave humans knowledge. Sometimes all at once, sometimes slowly. I think it is safe to say that whichever story you believe, humans have gained much more knowledge since then.

Let me insert that all knowledge is not necessarily good information to have. Nor is all knowledge to be shared; after all, other humans may not be ready for it.

But our knowledge is the only thing that humans can claim that is solely theirs. You would think that this would be enough for humans - just knowledge and our ability to rationalize. But humans are jealous and power hungry - which is excellent proof to me that we were created in the image of some God.

Therefore it was not enough just being able to know, we must know everything. We must not only "rule" the animals and plants, we must control them, kill them, change them, and even create new ones. Since we don't have the decorations like other animals, we must control them and take those things for ourselves.

Humans have an inferiority complex. We are the small man on campus. So we try to become bigger than life. Do we not all strive for more and more each day? Do we not spend more and more time and money on learning? Humans will waste their all on learning until we all gone, and get no where in the end.
And who's to say we have much time let to explore? Most people I know - no matter their religion - think that the world we live in now is coming to an end.

Perhaps humans will get too close to the truth, and the Gods will thwart out efforts. Perhaps the Gods feel we have done enough damage and its time to start over. Or perhaps they will sit back and watch us destroy ourselves. But its really too late. Humans can not possibly change fast enough - even if we cared or wanted to. Our "little man" syndrome is an epidemic - one I suffer from myself. My salvation comes from the fact that after all the destruction, there is purity and a chance to start anew.

Dear Kirk, I Sleep With My Teddy Bear

Well, I fell of the bandwagon today. I cried a lot. I cussed and damned near got out of my car at the gas pump to beat the old man in the car in front of me. It's been a long week. I'm tired emotionally and physically and hormonal. I keep trying to blame it on all that. Some excuse huh?

This week has been hard. I feel like I don't have time or the liberty to wallow in self pity like I would like to lol. I feel like I haven't had any privacy to cry and be my emotional self. Most of the time when something is really bothering me, I cry at work. I'm usually left alone and have some privacy. So I sit with a kleenex in my hand while I write. Nobody worries about me much and I work well by myself. Another perk to my job.

Today at work, Kirk text me and decided he would try to explain away New Year's Eve. As if he could lol. He told me that is an alcoholic and there have been times when he was woken up in allies and on the street. Obviously, or hopefully, this was all long before me. So I cried. It makes me so sad to know these things about him. I really did care for him. More than I should have obviously. And while I hate what he has done, I can't completely just rip him out of my heart. He was dug in deep.

But it kills me that he had to keep this secret from me. And it wasn't the first. And I think I may have seen some warning signs of this. Once before, he tried to quit smoking. Which was good for him. I honestly didn't care whether he smoked or not. It was his decision. I do my own thing, and I don't want anyone riding my ass about it. So, I didn't care that he smoked. But we had gone to the casinos for the weekend. And while we were there he picked up smoking again. No biggie. I can understand. But he kept it a secret. Apparently he kept sneaking off to the bathroom to smoke. Now, that really hurt my feelings. There was NO reason to sneak around about something like that. Not with me. Why hide it? And now, after the fact, I find out he has a drinking problem and cant be trusted around a bottle of liquor. Gee, I think that is something I would have needed to know before now!

Would it have made a difference? Maybe. I honestly am not sure at this point. And I say alcoholic as someone who used to have to liquor but doesn't drink now because of the way they get out of hand with it. It creates an addition all over again and really pushes the person over the edge. I know plenty about addictions. My whole family is a bunch of junkies. Alcoholism runs deep. As do addictions to drugs and mental illnesses. I struggle with my own addictions on a daily basis. If I had known, it is just possible that I would have made sure that he didn't drink. That way, this would have never happened.

Then again ..... I'm not sure that I could have prevented it at all. Perhaps it would have happened eventually. Maybe when it was too late. But it doesn't matter now. He made his decision. He kept his problem to himself. He got out of control. He says that it was like he blacked out. I wish I had.

Sadly, I just wish I could save him from himself. But I can't. I can't go back. I can't. And I feel like I'm so weak right now. As if I could consider talking to him some. Dammit, I do love him. Still. I hate him for that night. But I just want him to be better. I want him to be happy. To be healthy and whole. I know if I feel so lost he must too.

This is hard. Guys, this is really hard for me. I'm not big into religion. I don't trust anything man made but I believe in a Higher Power. Be it God or the Lord and the Lady. And never in my life have I prayed for a boyfriend until Kirk. I never really pray for myself anyways, if and when I do pray. Maybe in another life, Kirk and I would be together. Happily. Or maybe we have been (yes I believe in reincarnation). I just know its going to be a long and hard process to loose these feelings I have for him.

I know. I said that the only way that I see him is as the monster he turned into on New Year's Eve. And thats true. That's about the only picture that comes to my mind when I think of him. But I keep trying to make myself think that it wasnt really him. It was the alcohol. And I know that's wrong. I know I can't follow him around and babysit him. I know it cant be and it hurts that I know that. And it hurts to know that I am FULLY aware of the situation and I cant change it. I am a control freak lol.

I'm crying now. Consider it therapy. I hope that by shedding these tears that I can lighten my heart. But, guys, I'm a little scared. I wonder, what if Kirk was THE ONE. Or, at worst, the closest that I will ever get to Mr. Perfect. What if I don't ever find someone like that again? I guess I'm just down right now but I wonder if I will ever even be able to look for anyone again. Even though I pray for him. Even though I love him. I'm deeply hurt. I feel betrayed more than ever. I'm embarrassed again lol. I feel stupid. I feel like he made his choice when he acted out. And no matter what he texts me, I feel like I didn't matter to him. If I was so important to him, would he have done that to me? Does anyone know how scarred I still am from the past? How I cant forgive myself for putting myself and my family through just a bad time when I was being stupid and seeing someone who was truly evil - its a fairly decent word to use for him.

Perhaps my whole problem is that I need to learn how to let go. How to forgive myself. But I never have learned that. I carry all my guilt around, like a backpack. And not that I feel guilty about what happened New Year's Eve, it just took me back. To a bad place. I know time heals most of the worst wounds. I know I will be ok at some point in the future. But right now, I just need a hug. I wish I could trust him. I wish I wish I wish. I wish for no nightmares tonight about him. I wish it had never happened. Maybe I wish I had just let things go back at Thanksgiving. To be honest. I don't know. I cant really think straight or logically. At least right now. I wish he knew how I felt. How I hurt. How I hurt FOR him. How I want him to be healthy and happy. How I wish he had just been honest. I would have been his support. I used to be the one everyone depended on. Before I withdrew from society.

I know this has been a rough read. It's been rough on me writing it lol. This entry is entirely freehand. So I want to apologize now for typos or rambling. This was supposed to be entirely therapeutic. Not to mention that I have been crying while typing and the lines are a bit blurry to me. But thanks for reading and putting up with it.

Welcome to 2011. Elevator going DOWN

No, I don't per se think that whatever kind of day I have on January 1 will set the tone for the rest of the year. Superstitions or not. However, my new years sucked. And I will likely be in this funk for a little while now. No, not the whole damn year. Even if I did say my new year's resolution was to not date this year. I'm pretty sure I said that out of anger lol. And hurt. 

Wanna know how I rang in the new year? Well, it started off entirely too perfect. So I should have seen it coming. Kirk (the ex) and I went and had a nice steak dinner. We flirted at the restaurant. We had the whole night planned ahead of us. Hotel room. I brought candles, and incense, and lingerie. Oh, and the good bath & body works. He brought the cognac and champagne. We played dominoes and taught each other card games when we had played all the ones we both knew. We watched the ball drop in Times Square and Lil Wayne perform (heehee). We had a champagne toast at midnight. A really sexxy kiss. And we exchanged gifts also. Something he wanted to do.

And after that, things got shitty. I was lounging around in my lingerie. Red and black for the new year. He had been in the bathroom. When he came out, he made a snide remark about a certain part of my body. I was embarrassed and a little hurt. Although, I can be a little sensitive. However, when he went to wanting to touch and play with that part of my body, I told him not worry about it. He knew he had hurt my feelings and I felt like he was doing it just to appease me. I told him not to worry about it, why didnt he just let me take care of him. 

Maybe it was the liquor but he didn't take that too well. He pretty much lost what little brain he had. He got angry. He ended up trashing the room, punching holes in the door and wall. Broke everything I had given him. He also stashed all the party favors - as if I cared lol. He yelled. He called me names and said all sorts of stupid but hurtful things. I had to call my parents to come pick me up from the hotel. 

I know it could have been worse. I am safe. Nothing but a banged toe. He never really hurt me. He pushed back into the wall, but not hard. However, I have never been more scared than that night. And it has really thrown me for a loop. 

Once before I dated a guy for a year and a half when one day he lost his mind and hit me. He had been snooping through my journals and read something but didnt understand it and assumed more than the worst lol. Lemme say this. If you are going to snoop. At least be thorough with it. Go through everything. Don't pick one page out a random journal and read it and expect to know what I am talking about. Of course I dont really journal anymore so not a big deal lol. But we had a knock down, drag out fight that took us through my entire house. I ended up calling the cops and he stayed the night in jail. Just one mind you. And it never went on his record and all he had to do was take anger management classes. Lot of good it did him I hear. 

However, I was more scared of Kirk this past weekend than I ever was of the old ex. Not too mention mad as a wet hen that I was once again in this situation. I felt stupid because I didn't see it coming. I did not think that Kirk had that in him. I have spent a lot of time worrying and analyzing the last abusive relationship. I didn't want it to happen to me again. The scars from such a relationship are both short lived and immediate as well not so obvious but damned near permanent. So I felt like I should have seen some sign that he had anger problems or abusive tendencies. 

I think what hurts the most, is that the man was already pretty much a part of my family. We had been together almost a year - 11 months. When he was in Memphis, he stayed at my house. Ate with my family. I trusted him when I was asleep, in my house with my family. He spent Christmas with us. Ate with everyone who came over for Christmas dinner. My parents gave him presents and he bought them something. We were discussing getting married and having kids. I mean ...... the works. I thought he was awesome. 

So I just cant figure out he could turn around and act out like that. I suppose it is possible that the liquor influenced him to act that way. But I can't blame it just on the cognac. It didn't make me that way lol. <We bought Conjure. It was nasty. Don't recommend.> But the liquor would not have brought that out of him if it wasn't in him to begin with. Perhaps that is the reason that he had never been married nor had kids before. 

So, now I feel kinda empty. Lost. Stunned. Hurt. Betrayed. It's like .... he did something so stupid I know I cant go forward with him. Yet at the same time I'm mad at him for being so stupid and forcing me to make this decision which I would not have made under normal circumstances. But things were not normal. He turned into a monster. His whole face shifted around. He became someone else that night. And I know I hold grudges. But when I think back about him, the only way I can picture him is the way he looked that night. So I feel like I can't see him any other way. It's like the whole event has over ridden every other thing about him. And right now, I can't tell if that's deliberate or not. Maybe it's myself trying to protect myself so I force myself to remember only the bad - to get over it more quickly. Or if I'm just that hurt and feel like I can't let go so quickly. I cant decide. Or I cant separate the feelings. Maybe in time I will figure it out. But, dammit, he put me in a corner and I had a choice to make.