Dear Issues...

Often in therapy, patients are advised to write a letter to someone they have unfinished business with, someone they can't talk to for whatever reason. I am not entirely sure that I believe it helps. It's not something that I have ever done. But I'm going to give it a try. For those of you who read this and want to offer me some advice, I'll give you a little back story. And it's going to sound a bit one sided. But that's what I'm doing here, working out my resentment.

My biological father, from here on out referred to as Carlton, cheated on my mother and left our family when I was 1 year old. He was sleeping with, and then left my mother for, a teenager he was working with at the time. And it has left me with some daddy issues.

Dear Carlton,

It's over. I have chased you my entire life. Supposedly before you left, you and I were inseparable. And then, all of a sudden, you started moving when I found out where you lived. What's up with that?

It's obvious that you moved on with your life, repeatedly. You married your teenage coworker, and had 3 more kids. And you were such a man, you uprooted YOUR family and moved them somewhere else that you thought I couldn't find. Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids. I have always found you, I knew where you were before, and I know where you are now. But letting you know that would accomplish nothing.

And you know, I wonder if chasing you has brainwashed me into thinking I had to chase men in general, too. Because I used to. I don't *think* I chase them now. Then again, I don't really have time for that. And that only just now occurred to me.

My main issue with you is I believe you leaving has been the biggest reason I've been insecure my whole life. If I was so wanted, if I was so planned, then why did you disappear a year later? What was it that was so wrong with me, that you dropped me like a bad habit? Was I not good enough?

I get that you and my mother didn't work out. It *might* have been for the better that you divorced, but it's the past so I won't worry about what would have happened if you stayed. What I don't get, is why you have never wanted anything to do with me.

Part of me wants to blame your wife. Maybe she didn't want you to have anything to do with me. But I can't blame her for your actions. She couldn't force you to not see me, to not pay your child support. And if you let her bully you into this behavior, you're no man at all and I am certainly better off without you. What kind of man abandons his kid because a piece of ass tells him to? Oh, I'm not saying that it doesn't happen. I'm sure it does quite often. But it just means that you're no man. What would your father say to you about that? Even if you didn't love me, he did. And he was a good man. What went wrong with you?

I wasn't worth being worried with. I didn't need you. Only your wife's children matter to you. I'm broken. There's something wrong with me. I'm not good enough.This is how I have felt my whole life, in regards to men. In any other aspect of my life, I have had no problem being confident or comfortable. But you put me with a man, and it's a whole nother person, lol. IF my own father doesn't want me, why would any other man want me? If you, who made me, didn't love me, how could another man accept me?

Well, no more. I'm better than that. I am the shit. I'm not perfect, but I'm good. I'm good at what I do. I try to be a good person. I try to always do the right thing. I'm devoted to my church, and it is there that I realized the truth. And you are not going to live rent free in my life anymore. By the way, you screwed up. Do you know what you missed out on in my life? I am a fucking goddess and you contributed nothing. And right now, I am thanking all the gods for that. Who knows what kind of person you would have tried to confine me to be. I already know all the dreams of my mother's that you crushed t your fancy.

So you know what, it's over between us. No more insecurities because of YOU. In fact, I'm actually much happier about you not being around now. Thank you for being my link to Pepaw, who I still adore. Thanks for being a sperm donor. I think. Who knows what kind of genes you have. And you know what else, thanks for leaving us so we could grow.

And no, most men don't deserve me. Most of them aren't even worth my time. My time is precious and I have so many better things to be doing. And you, Carlton, is not one of them.

You are the weakest link. Goodbye!

Sincerely, Emily Ann

Manifestation of My Own Creation

So, on Wednesday night, Brian hosted a workshop where he showed us another of his many talents, channeling. He channels a group of entities, collectively known as Sharah. And Sharah exists in a place that is closer to Source than us humans. I also assume it is a less physical place. Sharah said specifically that they see us as energy patterns, not molecular patterns.

Well, after channeling Sharah, Brian encouraged us to spend some time trying to manifest something that we wanted. Of course the idea is to start out small. And then when he holds the workshop again next month, we'll see who has been able to manifest what.

The example that Brian used was a girl who decided to really test this theory. She wanted to see an 8 legged dog. And it took her 2 months,but she actually came across a picture of an 8 legged dog.

Well, immediately, the idea of a hummingbird came to me. It's been a while since I've seen one, they don't really have a reason to come around my house that much. But I love the little things. I mean, really, who doesn't? lol So, I latched on to my idea of a hummingbird. I was going to bring a hummingbird into my life.

Then, last night, which was Thursday night, I was up late, surfing Pinterest. I had decided to create a tattoo board. So I was randomly just searching tattoos, when I found the most awesome hummingbird tattoo.

So, I got all excited and posted it on Brian's Facebook page. LOL Then today, Friday, my dad was telling my mom that we have some flowers growing randomly in our backyard (weeds, lol), and that he saw a hummingbird out there at them. And neither of them could understand why I laughed and laughed.

So now, I must think of something else that I want to create. But I shall not make that decision tonight,