Welcome to 2011. Elevator going DOWN

No, I don't per se think that whatever kind of day I have on January 1 will set the tone for the rest of the year. Superstitions or not. However, my new years sucked. And I will likely be in this funk for a little while now. No, not the whole damn year. Even if I did say my new year's resolution was to not date this year. I'm pretty sure I said that out of anger lol. And hurt. 

Wanna know how I rang in the new year? Well, it started off entirely too perfect. So I should have seen it coming. Kirk (the ex) and I went and had a nice steak dinner. We flirted at the restaurant. We had the whole night planned ahead of us. Hotel room. I brought candles, and incense, and lingerie. Oh, and the good bath & body works. He brought the cognac and champagne. We played dominoes and taught each other card games when we had played all the ones we both knew. We watched the ball drop in Times Square and Lil Wayne perform (heehee). We had a champagne toast at midnight. A really sexxy kiss. And we exchanged gifts also. Something he wanted to do.

And after that, things got shitty. I was lounging around in my lingerie. Red and black for the new year. He had been in the bathroom. When he came out, he made a snide remark about a certain part of my body. I was embarrassed and a little hurt. Although, I can be a little sensitive. However, when he went to wanting to touch and play with that part of my body, I told him not worry about it. He knew he had hurt my feelings and I felt like he was doing it just to appease me. I told him not to worry about it, why didnt he just let me take care of him. 

Maybe it was the liquor but he didn't take that too well. He pretty much lost what little brain he had. He got angry. He ended up trashing the room, punching holes in the door and wall. Broke everything I had given him. He also stashed all the party favors - as if I cared lol. He yelled. He called me names and said all sorts of stupid but hurtful things. I had to call my parents to come pick me up from the hotel. 

I know it could have been worse. I am safe. Nothing but a banged toe. He never really hurt me. He pushed back into the wall, but not hard. However, I have never been more scared than that night. And it has really thrown me for a loop. 

Once before I dated a guy for a year and a half when one day he lost his mind and hit me. He had been snooping through my journals and read something but didnt understand it and assumed more than the worst lol. Lemme say this. If you are going to snoop. At least be thorough with it. Go through everything. Don't pick one page out a random journal and read it and expect to know what I am talking about. Of course I dont really journal anymore so not a big deal lol. But we had a knock down, drag out fight that took us through my entire house. I ended up calling the cops and he stayed the night in jail. Just one mind you. And it never went on his record and all he had to do was take anger management classes. Lot of good it did him I hear. 

However, I was more scared of Kirk this past weekend than I ever was of the old ex. Not too mention mad as a wet hen that I was once again in this situation. I felt stupid because I didn't see it coming. I did not think that Kirk had that in him. I have spent a lot of time worrying and analyzing the last abusive relationship. I didn't want it to happen to me again. The scars from such a relationship are both short lived and immediate as well not so obvious but damned near permanent. So I felt like I should have seen some sign that he had anger problems or abusive tendencies. 

I think what hurts the most, is that the man was already pretty much a part of my family. We had been together almost a year - 11 months. When he was in Memphis, he stayed at my house. Ate with my family. I trusted him when I was asleep, in my house with my family. He spent Christmas with us. Ate with everyone who came over for Christmas dinner. My parents gave him presents and he bought them something. We were discussing getting married and having kids. I mean ...... the works. I thought he was awesome. 

So I just cant figure out he could turn around and act out like that. I suppose it is possible that the liquor influenced him to act that way. But I can't blame it just on the cognac. It didn't make me that way lol. <We bought Conjure. It was nasty. Don't recommend.> But the liquor would not have brought that out of him if it wasn't in him to begin with. Perhaps that is the reason that he had never been married nor had kids before. 

So, now I feel kinda empty. Lost. Stunned. Hurt. Betrayed. It's like .... he did something so stupid I know I cant go forward with him. Yet at the same time I'm mad at him for being so stupid and forcing me to make this decision which I would not have made under normal circumstances. But things were not normal. He turned into a monster. His whole face shifted around. He became someone else that night. And I know I hold grudges. But when I think back about him, the only way I can picture him is the way he looked that night. So I feel like I can't see him any other way. It's like the whole event has over ridden every other thing about him. And right now, I can't tell if that's deliberate or not. Maybe it's myself trying to protect myself so I force myself to remember only the bad - to get over it more quickly. Or if I'm just that hurt and feel like I can't let go so quickly. I cant decide. Or I cant separate the feelings. Maybe in time I will figure it out. But, dammit, he put me in a corner and I had a choice to make.