Dear Kirk, I Sleep With My Teddy Bear

Well, I fell of the bandwagon today. I cried a lot. I cussed and damned near got out of my car at the gas pump to beat the old man in the car in front of me. It's been a long week. I'm tired emotionally and physically and hormonal. I keep trying to blame it on all that. Some excuse huh?

This week has been hard. I feel like I don't have time or the liberty to wallow in self pity like I would like to lol. I feel like I haven't had any privacy to cry and be my emotional self. Most of the time when something is really bothering me, I cry at work. I'm usually left alone and have some privacy. So I sit with a kleenex in my hand while I write. Nobody worries about me much and I work well by myself. Another perk to my job.

Today at work, Kirk text me and decided he would try to explain away New Year's Eve. As if he could lol. He told me that is an alcoholic and there have been times when he was woken up in allies and on the street. Obviously, or hopefully, this was all long before me. So I cried. It makes me so sad to know these things about him. I really did care for him. More than I should have obviously. And while I hate what he has done, I can't completely just rip him out of my heart. He was dug in deep.

But it kills me that he had to keep this secret from me. And it wasn't the first. And I think I may have seen some warning signs of this. Once before, he tried to quit smoking. Which was good for him. I honestly didn't care whether he smoked or not. It was his decision. I do my own thing, and I don't want anyone riding my ass about it. So, I didn't care that he smoked. But we had gone to the casinos for the weekend. And while we were there he picked up smoking again. No biggie. I can understand. But he kept it a secret. Apparently he kept sneaking off to the bathroom to smoke. Now, that really hurt my feelings. There was NO reason to sneak around about something like that. Not with me. Why hide it? And now, after the fact, I find out he has a drinking problem and cant be trusted around a bottle of liquor. Gee, I think that is something I would have needed to know before now!

Would it have made a difference? Maybe. I honestly am not sure at this point. And I say alcoholic as someone who used to have to liquor but doesn't drink now because of the way they get out of hand with it. It creates an addition all over again and really pushes the person over the edge. I know plenty about addictions. My whole family is a bunch of junkies. Alcoholism runs deep. As do addictions to drugs and mental illnesses. I struggle with my own addictions on a daily basis. If I had known, it is just possible that I would have made sure that he didn't drink. That way, this would have never happened.

Then again ..... I'm not sure that I could have prevented it at all. Perhaps it would have happened eventually. Maybe when it was too late. But it doesn't matter now. He made his decision. He kept his problem to himself. He got out of control. He says that it was like he blacked out. I wish I had.

Sadly, I just wish I could save him from himself. But I can't. I can't go back. I can't. And I feel like I'm so weak right now. As if I could consider talking to him some. Dammit, I do love him. Still. I hate him for that night. But I just want him to be better. I want him to be happy. To be healthy and whole. I know if I feel so lost he must too.

This is hard. Guys, this is really hard for me. I'm not big into religion. I don't trust anything man made but I believe in a Higher Power. Be it God or the Lord and the Lady. And never in my life have I prayed for a boyfriend until Kirk. I never really pray for myself anyways, if and when I do pray. Maybe in another life, Kirk and I would be together. Happily. Or maybe we have been (yes I believe in reincarnation). I just know its going to be a long and hard process to loose these feelings I have for him.

I know. I said that the only way that I see him is as the monster he turned into on New Year's Eve. And thats true. That's about the only picture that comes to my mind when I think of him. But I keep trying to make myself think that it wasnt really him. It was the alcohol. And I know that's wrong. I know I can't follow him around and babysit him. I know it cant be and it hurts that I know that. And it hurts to know that I am FULLY aware of the situation and I cant change it. I am a control freak lol.

I'm crying now. Consider it therapy. I hope that by shedding these tears that I can lighten my heart. But, guys, I'm a little scared. I wonder, what if Kirk was THE ONE. Or, at worst, the closest that I will ever get to Mr. Perfect. What if I don't ever find someone like that again? I guess I'm just down right now but I wonder if I will ever even be able to look for anyone again. Even though I pray for him. Even though I love him. I'm deeply hurt. I feel betrayed more than ever. I'm embarrassed again lol. I feel stupid. I feel like he made his choice when he acted out. And no matter what he texts me, I feel like I didn't matter to him. If I was so important to him, would he have done that to me? Does anyone know how scarred I still am from the past? How I cant forgive myself for putting myself and my family through just a bad time when I was being stupid and seeing someone who was truly evil - its a fairly decent word to use for him.

Perhaps my whole problem is that I need to learn how to let go. How to forgive myself. But I never have learned that. I carry all my guilt around, like a backpack. And not that I feel guilty about what happened New Year's Eve, it just took me back. To a bad place. I know time heals most of the worst wounds. I know I will be ok at some point in the future. But right now, I just need a hug. I wish I could trust him. I wish I wish I wish. I wish for no nightmares tonight about him. I wish it had never happened. Maybe I wish I had just let things go back at Thanksgiving. To be honest. I don't know. I cant really think straight or logically. At least right now. I wish he knew how I felt. How I hurt. How I hurt FOR him. How I want him to be healthy and happy. How I wish he had just been honest. I would have been his support. I used to be the one everyone depended on. Before I withdrew from society.

I know this has been a rough read. It's been rough on me writing it lol. This entry is entirely freehand. So I want to apologize now for typos or rambling. This was supposed to be entirely therapeutic. Not to mention that I have been crying while typing and the lines are a bit blurry to me. But thanks for reading and putting up with it.